ALCATRAZ VERSUS THE EVIL LIBRARIANS Reader Mail

Alcatraz let me know about the following library infiltration report.

We led a successful infiltration of our local library on Saturday, March 6, 2010 and wanted to share this good news with you. Our team consists of seven fifth-grade students, one seventh-grade assistant coach and two grownups—NO, strike that, two parent coaches. (You may call us parents but NEVER call us grownups.)

Our library must have suffered a severe electrical surge of some sort to their ordering system because they now own 43 copies of Alcatraz Versus the Evil Librarians. These along with 19 other works of “fiction” are currently being used for their 31st annual Battle of the Books competition. The librarians somehow even let our team name slip through their registration system as we are the “Chipmunks versus the Evil Librarians.”

We fought among 64 other teams of fourth- and fifth-grade Hushlanders all vying to be recognized for their love of reading and attention to detail. Our team was successful in preliminary rounds at local schools and finally along with 17 other teams were “invited” to participate in an Oral Battle round at the Grace A. Dow Memorial Library. (Like naming the library after a beautiful woman named Grace could hide who they really are. . . .) (And you’d think an Oral Battle would consist of those little wind-up teeth in a miniature boxing ring, but nope, that’s not it at all.)

So, we had a way in but we needed a plan. We planned and planned and planned all day. Okay, we planned for about 15 minutes during a lunch meeting. As coaches we even created our own version of an Alivened and trained the kids how to fight it. Lenses were collected, dinosaurs were purchased we were ready. Next we made a HUGE blundering, bungling, blathering, idiotic mistake. We sent an email to the librarians to let them know we were coming.

We thanked them for their invitation and said we would see them on Infiltration Day. Did I mention that we were idiots? We went on to say that we appreciated the fact that there would be no man-eating sharks that day and they had chosen excellent books for the competition this year. (Okay, we may not have been complete idiots since your book was one of those chosen.)

Infiltration day came. The kids did great and are one of the final two teams moving on to the championship round of the competition! Most wore warrior lenses (imagine 4 Bastilles!) and we were sure to include tracker, oculator, and a pair of torturer lenses too. (We forbade the use of Firebringer Lenses since again there were 43 copies of your book on site. . . .)

The only casualties suffered were some dinosaurs that were left behind near the C section of the science fiction area and were most likely captured after they successfully created a ‘disturbance’ and ate a few of the books.

Hopefully, you’re still reading this letter since this is where the time sensitive part from the subject line comes into play. We were wondering if you would be willing or able to send a note of encouragement to the kids as they again will infiltrate the library on Thursday, March 11 at 4:30 p.m. for the Championship Battle.

Thanks for you time,
Coaches of the Chipmunks versus the Evil Librarians

Good work, Chipmunks, and may you be victorious in your upcoming battle.

Due to the woeful lack of frozen burritos in the Free Kingdoms, I've been forced to keep hanging out here in the Hushlands, which has made me painfully aware of the Hushlanders' need for as much access as possible to information about truths such as those involving talking dinosaurs. You must continue to do what you can not to allow the Librarian Conspiracy to control the facts available. Remembering what you read in the books that Free Kingdomers have managed to sneak onto Librarian shelves is an important step toward throwing off the yoke of ignorance.

And one final word of encouragement: Rutabaga.

Brandon Sanderson
March 9, 2010